Lately I have been exhausted and feeling slightly triggered because I associate songs with memories and I’ll avoid certain songs to avoid certain memories. And yesterday I listened to “Closer” for the first time in a while and I thought about you and how we spent most of our time in my car dissecting every song that came on shuffle. And I thought of how we were inseparable and how I was never really home. And I thought of how my first time in Silver Lake was at a coffee shop with you and how I haven’t gone to that shop in years, fearing I’d bring back long forgotten feelings. And I smiled while listening to “Closer” because for the last 4 years, I have associated it with you. It wasn’t until last night when I was walking around Silver Lake and saw you. We made eye contact and I sort of stopped telling my story and in an instant, I thought about how funny it must be to be complete strangers. Instead of holding eye contact with you, I looked at my friend and finished my story. I almost stopped myself to tell him that you were someone from my past, but I didn’t. For the first time in years, I didn’t mention you to someone new and I think that was just my way of growing up.
So when I listen to “Closer,” I’ll remember driving to and from Hollywood. I’ll remember ignoring the red flags. I’ll remember the first of many failed relationships.