Last night on the way to my birthday dinner, I listened to Paramore’s “Last Hope” and I almost cried.

For a year now, the Paramore self-titled album has been on heavy rotation, but last night was the first time I felt as though “Last Hope” was pertinent to my current state of unemployment (in the sense that though I’m a barista, I want to be on the road).

“I don’t even know myself at all, I thought I would be happy by now.The more I try to push it I realize – gotta let go of control.

I go back and forth between being excited for the unknown and wanting to scream because I don’t know what’s going to happen. My mood fluctuates from being contagiously happy to aggressively sad with almost no in between mode. Not having control over a situation causes my anxiety to go in overdrive and it’s a process to calm myself down. Letting go of control was something I had to do in college and in doing so, I was able to dive deeper into understanding myself and my work. So why is it that in life post-college I’m having a hard time of letting go? I am sure that the moment I let go will be the moment I see change.

Even in my saddest state of being, I can’t let go of the hope that one day I’ll see progress. One day I’ll have constant employment.

“So if I let go of control now, I can be strong.”