25 sittin’ on 25 mill…ion tears (happy birthday to me pt. 2)

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10676331_650220114527_605687990287581762_ndespite what happens, i must remember that i’ve accomplished a lot this year. i must stay persistent, positive and patient. this industry is difficult, but i must remember that it is rare for recent college graduates to find work within their field 2 weeks after graduation. these things take time and i must be patient.

remember, remember, remember.

screencaps from my warped tour announcement video.

 

25 sittin’ on 25 mill…ion tears (happy birthday to me!)

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Today is my birthday.

It’s the first birthday in 20 years where I don’t have homework, school or anything of that nature occupying my mind. I’m currently sitting in my parents’ living room listening to Friends and my heart is full.

I’m 25 years old and I don’t have a single clue what I am doing with my life and for the first time, I’m okay with that. I consider my birthday my personal new year and this time last year I never thought I’d meet the people I have met this year, gone on Warped Tour, graduated college and moved back in with my parents. I never thought I’d be happy not knowing what to do next, I never thought I’d cut back on crying and I never thought I’d be persistent in getting what I want on my own terms.

I started my quarter-life crisis a month ago, just around the time Warped Tour ended and if anything, my nights spent having panic attacks have taught me that I have never wanted something as much as I want to be a successful touring photographer. And I have to be patient. And I have to remind myself that everything happens in due time. And I have to trust in the universe.

 

I have high hopes for 25. After spending 4 hours in a bar with a dear friend I have made the decision to not let anything that happens make me jaded. I don’t ever want to forget how it feels when I fall in love with a band and their music is the only thing I listen to for a month. I don’t want to forget what it’s like to be nervous to meet someone. I don’t want to forget what it’s like to be a fan. That’s why I do what I do, because I’m madly in love with music and art and there isn’t anything else I can see myself doing.

25, you look wonderful.

Happy new year, happy birthday.

Making the Most of Life

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The path to wisdom and success is not for Kings alone;
It is open to you and me.
You may not succeed at first, but the failure of your efforts may be the needed preparation for your final triumph.
If there are a hundred steps in your path to success and you have not reached it in ninety-nine of them, do not conclude that the journey is a failure.
Press on and up…
The prizes are generally at the end of an effort, not at its beginning.
And not to go on is to miss them.
Be valiant. Have faith in yourself.
Success belongs to him who dares to win it.

-George S. Forest

notes from my journal.

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taken from my final mentor meetings. december 12, 2013 was the day she told me to let my first year out of college be bad. and christ, it’s been a ride thus far. i have 3 months left in my “first year out” and i still don’t know what images i’m using in the book.

who knows. maybe i’ll end up making all the photographs this month and leaving it at that.

my friends don’t hate me, they’re just busy.

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i haven’t heard from friends i normally speak to daily and like any normal human, i automatically jumped to the, “christ, i did something wrong and they hate me” conclusion. just as i was going through the list of people i assumed were upset at me, one of them sent a text asking me if they could call. and you know what? she wasn’t upset at me, she just has been going through her own thing. living her life. and i’ve come to another conclusion that the list of people i constantly think about are doing the same thing: figuring out life. making weird decisions. collecting crazy stories so when we see each other it will be hours of, “i can’t believe i didn’t tell you T H I S!!”

at what age will i grow out of assuming people are mad at me just because we go weeks without speaking?

a list of recent things:

selfpark-the above photograph was taken after completing a drinking game to the o.c.. i was drunk and proceeded to stay drunk for the rest of the night.

-i woke up in a familiar room next to someone i had just met and i laughed to myself because old habits die hard.

-my best friend is getting married on saturday and my bridesmaid dress hasn’t arrived yet because i took all summer to order it.

-my mamiya, the camera i use to pay the bills, is in the shop and i don’t know what to do with myself.

-the more i fill out applications for barista positions, the more i want to apply to grad school so i won’t have to worry about being a civilian anymore. because i’d be attending a school that pays for all of my expenses. because my work is that amazing.

-grad school sounds like the best fit, but i’m pretty sure i just miss having discussions about essays and art and i should probably find a collective. or start my own.

-i haven’t touched my tour laundry yet because i still have clean underwear and i somehow convinced myself that it’s okay to have a suitcase of dirty laundry in my room. i’m gross.

-i noticed something in my work and for the first time in a while, i’m exploring it.

-sometimes “doing it for the story” is more damaging than helpful.

-the starbucks in eagle rock next to walgreens. that’s it. simply, “the starbucks in eagle rock next to walgreens.”

-yeah, i have no idea what my book is going to be about, but does anyone ever know anything?

-i am anxious to go on the road again.

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