notes from my journal.

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taken from my final mentor meetings. december 12, 2013 was the day she told me to let my first year out of college be bad. and christ, it’s been a ride thus far. i have 3 months left in my “first year out” and i still don’t know what images i’m using in the book.

who knows. maybe i’ll end up making all the photographs this month and leaving it at that.

my friends don’t hate me, they’re just busy.

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i haven’t heard from friends i normally speak to daily and like any normal human, i automatically jumped to the, “christ, i did something wrong and they hate me” conclusion. just as i was going through the list of people i assumed were upset at me, one of them sent a text asking me if they could call. and you know what? she wasn’t upset at me, she just has been going through her own thing. living her life. and i’ve come to another conclusion that the list of people i constantly think about are doing the same thing: figuring out life. making weird decisions. collecting crazy stories so when we see each other it will be hours of, “i can’t believe i didn’t tell you T H I S!!”

at what age will i grow out of assuming people are mad at me just because we go weeks without speaking?

a list of recent things:

selfpark-the above photograph was taken after completing a drinking game to the o.c.. i was drunk and proceeded to stay drunk for the rest of the night.

-i woke up in a familiar room next to someone i had just met and i laughed to myself because old habits die hard.

-my best friend is getting married on saturday and my bridesmaid dress hasn’t arrived yet because i took all summer to order it.

-my mamiya, the camera i use to pay the bills, is in the shop and i don’t know what to do with myself.

-the more i fill out applications for barista positions, the more i want to apply to grad school so i won’t have to worry about being a civilian anymore. because i’d be attending a school that pays for all of my expenses. because my work is that amazing.

-grad school sounds like the best fit, but i’m pretty sure i just miss having discussions about essays and art and i should probably find a collective. or start my own.

-i haven’t touched my tour laundry yet because i still have clean underwear and i somehow convinced myself that it’s okay to have a suitcase of dirty laundry in my room. i’m gross.

-i noticed something in my work and for the first time in a while, i’m exploring it.

-sometimes “doing it for the story” is more damaging than helpful.

-the starbucks in eagle rock next to walgreens. that’s it. simply, “the starbucks in eagle rock next to walgreens.”

-yeah, i have no idea what my book is going to be about, but does anyone ever know anything?

-i am anxious to go on the road again.

the morning after the APMAs.

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i woke up the morning after the Alternative Press Music Awards in a bus that wasn’t my own, to a view that calmed every nerve. i hadn’t missed portland in months, but that morning i did because the view reminded me of the last few moments in my apartment, my dream apartment in a city i no longer loved.

windows play a huge role in my work and i’m challenging myself to understand why that is.

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